Caution: Hard Hat Area

The truth about love

Posted in Emo by akosibananaman on August 5, 2012

Ikaw, ako, tayong lahat. May kanya kanya tayong mga kahulugan ng pag-ibig. Maaaring ito’y para sa iyong mga magulang na hindi nauubusan ng pang-unawa sa’yo, pwede rin namang para sa aso mo na sa tuwing makikita ka’y ang buntot niya’y nagmimistulang wiper ng kotse sa kalagitnaan ng malakas na bagyo.

Noon, akala ko ang pag-ibig ay isang napakasarap na pakiramdam na babalik-balikan mo. Nakakaadik. Nakahuhumaling. Ayaw mong tigilan. Parang canister ng Pringles na bagong bukas. Ganon. Marahil ay inaasam-asam mo ito ngayon o baka naman ay natagpuan mo na. Ngunit hindi lamang pala ito ang hatid ng pag-ibig sa’yo kaibigan. Tulad ng maraming bagay, ang pag-ibig ay mayroon din yin sa kanyang yang. May ka-akibat rin pala itong pasakit. Pasakit na maaaring magdulot sa’yo ng pinakamalungkot na kalungkutan. It’s a fuckin’ double-edged sword so be fuckin’ careful what you fuckin’ wish for. Pero syempre, joke lang. Kung inaakala mong tungkol sa paglalaslas, sa pagiging baliw sa pag-ibig, sa pagluluto ng pansit, o sa tamang paraan ng pag-amoy ng kilikili itong blog post na ito. Hindi. Wrong. Engkkk.

Joke lang ulit. Tungkol ito sa pag-ibig, well, in a good way.

Ang pagmamahal ng totoo ay kahit na nasasaktan na tayo at pinagdudulutan ng pinakamalungkot na kalungkutan, nakikita pa rin sa mga malalaki nating mga mata ang pag-asa. Pag-asa na muling babalik ang pinakamatatamis na salita na ingunguyngoy ng ating iniibig. Na muling babalik ang pagkasabik natin sa bagong canister ng Pringles. Na muli tayong mag-HHWWPSSPSL.

True love means sticking with each other. Huwag kayong umasa na mangyayari sa inyo yung mga napapanood niyo kila John Lloyd at Bea. Kila Gerard at Kim. Maaaring totoo ito, pero napapanood lang natin ang gusto nating makita. Hindi natin nakikita yung back-end, yung totoong nagtatrabaho to make the relationship work. At ito yung dalawang tao, na kahit sawang-sawa na sa sisig at grilled porkchop sa Faustina ay masaya pa ring kumakain ng magkahawak-kamay. That my friends, is true love.

Diba Myla La Torre? 🙂

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Three things you should know

Posted in Emo by akosibananaman on August 5, 2012

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Hi Babe. First of all, I want to thank you – for everything that you have done for me, for caring, for waking me up every day, for cooking sobrang sarap dishes, and for always being there. Thank you.

I have to admit that these past few days have been terrible for us. I even thought we weren’t going to make it. Good thing you were there to save the day. You remained strong for both of us. And I admire you for that. I love you.

First things first, there are three things that I have to tell you:

I check out women on a daily basis. Sometimes, I even tell you that I’m checking them out. I don’t check them out because I want to be with them. We appreciate beauty. I’m a man. This is what men do. When we see someone attractive, we notice. It does not affect what we think of our relationship. I won’t have doubts with us just by looking at a nice pair of boobies for 2 seconds. Don’t get me wrong, I look at you all the time. And I appreciate your beauty each and every time. And this is why I tell you every time I check women out. To rid you of your insecurities, to subtly tell you that “Hey, I might be looking at those flawless legs but yours will always be better”. That even though I know your flaws, I don’t see you differently. I’ll always see you as perfect. You’re still the one I’ll be in love with.

I make fun of you a lot. This is to neutralize your perfection. I can’t think of you highly and be with you at the same time. I’d feel inferior. That’s how I am. I’m a clown and a jerk at the same time. Because with you, I feel comfortable. I can tell you everything about everything. I apologize if this has gotten way out of hand a lot of times. I promise to be better.

I really want to make our relationship work. This is that one relationship I will work my ass off in keeping. I’d go out of my way for this. I’d bet my ass on the line for us. I’d quit smoking. I’d peel bananas as a career. Whatever it takes. This is also the reason why we had this huge fight this weekend. I just want to be with you, and you alone. I love you Myla La Torre. You very pretty lady, you. Let’s stop being high school kids and start over. I love you from the bottom of the bottle of my San Mig Pale Pilsen. 🙂

The entry that will revive this blog

Posted in Emo by akosibananaman on October 8, 2011

Tonight is of those nights that I couldn’t figure out what’s wrong. I know something is, but I can’t fix it. It’s beyond repair, well, beyond my capabilities perhaps – and may I just say that my capabilities have been more than enough for other occasions. But not this kind. On nights like tonight, I suffer.

I suffer from loneliness. From not being able to do the things that I want. From not being able to know when to use a semi-colon (;). From not being content with what I have. I suffer. The void that sucks all the rainbows, sunshine, and unicorns from my ass. The void that I efficiently hide day by fucking day. The kind of void that is not stamped on receipts. That void.

When that void and that night collide, I kind of unleash this guy who posts on his blog with nonsense. I want to take over and just shrug this out like I always do. But I’m afraid that won’t happen just yet. Because tonight, I am he. Let’s stop this right here.

Tandang pananong

Posted in Emo by akosibananaman on May 13, 2010

Blog.

Ayun. Kamusta? Nakapagtapos na nga pala ako sa kursong aking napili. Ayun. Katulad nga ng sinabi ko e masarap talaga ang pakiramdam. Napakasarap. Hinding hindi ko malilimutan ang araw na ‘yun na inilipat ng aking ama ang tassel ko mula sa kaliwa papuntang kanan. Power steering ang tassel ko, FYI. At kinamayan ako ng dekano namin at syempre, ng mga propesor kong single and ready to mingle. Seriously? Who wants a date?

Pero ano na ang kasunod? Alam mo bang wala akong ka-plano plano sa buhay ko? Meron pala. Marami akong plano. Sa dami, hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasakatuparan ko. Ni hindi pa nga ako makapag-impake ng mga gamit ko e. ‘Yung mga brip ko hindi pa nalalabhan, andun pa ‘yung skid marks. Eeww. Ay nakalimutan ko pala sabihin sa ‘yo na papunta na ako ng Manila. Oo. Paluwas na ako bukas, para mag-review para sa nalalapit na Board Exams ng propesyong aking napili. Anim na buwan. Sana naman maging productive ako. Tangina. 24 anyos na ako sa darating kong kaarawan. Umayos naman sana ako, ‘di ba?

Marahil e takot pa rin siguro ako sa real world na kung saan e kelangan halikan mo lahat ng pwet na dapat mong halikan para manatili sa trabahong gusto mo o ‘di kaya’y magtiis sa trabahong ayaw mo dahil kelangan mo ng experience. Kaya ko naman e. Pero minsan hindi na ako maka-relate sa mga kaibigan ko na puro trabaho ang pinag-uusapan. Minsan nga nakikitawa na lang ako ‘pag nagtatawanan sila, nakikigulat ‘pag tipong nagulat din sila. Parang “Ano?! Pumapasok ka sa opisina ng walang brip at bukas ang zipper?” Parang ganyan.

Sa tingin ko kelangan ko na simulang seryosohin ‘tong buhay na ‘to if ever I still want the things I want. Pero katulad ng maraming tao, maraming simula na ang nagawa ko. Marami na rin akong nabigong simula, mga simulang hindi nasimulan, at mga sisimulang hindi pa nasisimulan.

Bahala na si Batman. Ganun naman lagi e. Things would work out. Cowardice, specialty ko talaga ‘to. Siguro I’d have to man up to live up to my expectations for myself. Chances are slim that that would happen pero I’d give it my best shot. Sa tingin mo, dapat ba akong mawalan ng pag-asa? Shempre hindi. Optimists kayo e. Good for you! I would like to end this blog with an intellectual quote sana but I can’t think of any. Sorry. Kaya ‘wag na lang siguro. Pwede question mark na lang? Parang buhay ko in the next few years.. ?

The Real Bananaman

Posted in Emo by akosibananaman on November 18, 2008

i’ve done it again. i’m like britney spears with bigger boobs but not the silicon. from the first day i took our relationship head on, i thought of this day… that i’d snap back to my old selfish self again and not care about how the other end takes the blow. i just had to end it. again, another perfect girl i’ve hurt. another great relationship i’ve thrown away just like that.

i don’t know what they see in me. i’m an obese nerd who still lives with his parents, who still doesn’t have a degree, who doesn’t drive his own car. it’s just stupid. i wouldn’t even fall for myself. i’m terrible and i tend to hurt anyone who gets close to me. too close.

i make every girl i get-in-a-relationship-with feel that they are loved. a love like edward cullen’s love for bella. a love like that. but i must warn you, it wears off. like every perfume, it smells so good right at the very moment you apply it on you but as the day goes by, your skin starts to smell like skin again. like a magic spell that you dreamt of, too good to be real that it should stay a dream. i’m not bragging. that’s just the way i make them feel because i feel like doing those things for them. but the darkest part of it is that it wears off in a snap of a twig. and i wouldn’t even fight for what i believed in. i’d just walk away like a jerk that i am.

it was blissful – those 13 months of being with you. no other memory could ever replace that. the feelings that i’ve shared with you, they were genuine – i never faked anything. but i got tired again, my selfishness kicked in. i started thinking about how much better my life would be alone. and i thought it’d be better. well, now i’m worse than ever. but i can’t have you in my life. this pain is my own. i caused myself this and there’s nothing more i want to cause you. i broke it off with you so that you wouldn’t worry about me. i’m a burden. yeah, and a large one at that.

i loved you. but this love isn’t enough for me to stay. i will feel the emptiness again, i know. but i guess i’d have to deal with that on my own. thank you for wasting your time with me. i know you might not want to see me again and i will respect that. what i did to you is unacceptable. it’s beyond what an asshole would do. i’m more than an asshole. you deserve more. and i can’t give you that. i’m sorry.

goodbye vanessa, i hope you find what you want. as for me, i’m built for this. i will regret breaking it off with you. but i’m used to feeling like shit every now and then.

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